Saturday, January 3, 2009

Happy New Year!

I find myself at a strange crossroads. At one point all the bad things that happened to me last year loom in the background, and yet at the other point there seems to be a strange new light. A soft warm glow, a feeling satisfaction and content. I feel like the slate has been wiped clean and now the future actually doesn't look as bleak as it did last year at this time.

This time last year I was very depressed over a girl. Everything happens for a reason right? From that point it got only worse and worse. I feel now like I made it out to be more than it was. I feel like I refused to let go, and it was driving me crazy. For the first few months I think I was actually crazy, and looking back now it is a feeling I despise myself for. One of those How could I let myself sink so low kind of things. And while it wasn't 100% all in my head and it wasn't 100% my fault, it seems like my blatant pigheadishness over the matter, not able to let it go, reconnecting all the points that led up to that point, playing it over and over in my head, what I did wrong, what I should of done different, was most to blame. And the girl can't even complain about this really, as I mostly kept it to myself after the initial 'I like you just as a friend' speech, fruitlessly hoping that staying friends she maybe would see the error of her ways and fall head over heels. And this led to me locked inside my room playing the shit over in my head and wondering why I just wasn't good enough. How she would rather be with somebody that beats her than somebody that adores her.

To be fair I don't think he beat her after they broke up and got back together. And perhaps he's a nice guy deep down. But fuck that guy.

Anyways I released a CD in April and all of a sudden everything seemed really good for a long while. Past that point there were some ups and downs, but nothing was worse than those first 4 months. I seem to be manic depressive. I am filled with joy one minute but feel like it's me against the world the next. Maybe everyone feels this way, maybe I exaggerate things in my head. Maybe I'm nuts? Maybe everyone's nuts that's why they don't notice that I'm nuts.

I had a good run of shows but everything seemed to die the last 4 or 5 months. I just can't be inspired by anything. I made this new website, sure, and that actually has helped with the process of getting 'back to it', but it feels like im treading water, went underwater for a couple minutes but at the last second fought to survive to get back to the surface and now am barely keeping my nose above water. And I'm tired, so very tired.

Making this website has helped make me feel like at a fresh new start. Things like adding all this cool stuff and finding a bunch of new things to enjoy along with love prospects (minor) and having a car this winter and having enough money to get by and actually getting to have Christmas this year and getting a ton of lewt from Christmas and realizations/insights into people I know's character, along with a couple CDs that are freaking almost ready is helping me to. I had to work New Years, but with the recession I heard that shit was dead out there, so I didn't miss much. I got to drink champagne after midnight. It was kewl.

I dunno I feel like I lost a fight without even getting in the ring and throwing a punch. Last year didn't give me a chance. It was trying to Darwin me out I think. I never juggled suicide in my thoughts but some days I felt like I was a very very small man being crushed under a very very large boot. I mean seriously it was like everyone was against me. I feel so alone sometimes. All my friends have moved away or I burnt those bridges. These new people in my life, I wouldn't call them friends, I dunno what to call them. Not friends, just acquantinces. I dunno after the run of bad luck I've had - 2 'just be friends' when I first moved here, a girl who couldn't choose between me and a meth addict who pushed her down the stairs, Restraining Hollywood's walls collapsing in on me, last years 'just be friends', and everyone I hate is best friends or more with my roommate. I get so paranoid sometimes, I feel like they all sit around and talk shit about me, and that makes me angry, and all of a sudden I have a bad day and blow up on somebody and then I get sad afterwards because I know I shouldn't of done that, which gives them more gossip and shit to talk about. I feel like I'm not part of the 'in' crowd atm, which is the 'in' crowd at a fucking gas station, but nontheless, they are my peers and I feel left out of a lot of shit.

shit dude maybe it's just me. maybe it's been me all along. I know I've got a few problems, can't take criticism well, whiter that a fucking sheet, not in shape, not fat - but not in shape, I'm just not a people person sometimes, sometimes I just need time to myself, which alienates people, some days I just don't want to talk and some days I just don't know what to say. Socially awkward. Maybe playing a mmorpg for 6 years (off and on) has made me that way. Maybe it's just that generation gap thing, the same thing that made the people of the 80s who liked guns and roses and slayer just couldn't get into grunge rock, and who made people of the 70s who liked disco and I dunno what else they liked back then not get into the electro Devo and Talking Heads n stuff they liked in the 80s. It's like I took a 6 year nap and now the whole world's changed, the people 10 years younger than me are so different. They are, how to put it lightly, idiots and whores. Everything revolves around drama and gossip mags and what's on E tonight. Generation Xbox they call them. Fucking scene kids and emo dorks. I just don't understand them. Well, I understand them totally, they are completely different from my generation, which was completely different from the last, and that was completely different from the last. It's like all kids strive to say 'Fuck You I'm doing it my own way *changes everything*' to the generation before, which leaves that generation befuddled and I think we feel kind of betrayed so we harbor resentment. rofl. It's hilarious when you take a step back and think about it. I would wear my Nirvana shirt under my flannel as if to say a big FU to people with hockey haircuts and slayer shirts and nike air jordans and whatever the fuck else they liked in the 80s.

one last thing, I have to say that the music from about 88-90, when it was in a transitional phase, and Michael Bolton was played 3 times an hour, and Janet Jackson's Rhythm Nation and C&C Music Factory and then MC Hammer started in and it was all house music - I hated that shit. What fucking horrible music. How did we ever like that shit? Though Everything I Do I Do It For You by Bryan Adams, I got pretty caught up in that song and in that whole Robin Hood thing. afterwards I felt really guilty like I ate all the cookies and lied about it. haha

Ok so for my first post I think I did a pretty good job, yay me! random yet insightful, haha. thx for reading, hope you enjoyed. Good Night =)

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